Have you seen what’s shakin’ in Miami?
Man-o-man, those “spring breakers” are totally doing it wrong!
Fighting in the streets, night after night?
Tearing up restaurants and stores?
Bar fights? Yeah, I get that. That’s a spring break right of passage.
(Kind of like the DUDE that passed out on the beach with a beer bottle up against his lips and cheek, waking up two hours later with the most epic and unfortunate of all sunburns.)
True story!
407 million years ago I lived in central Florida for about four years. It’s where I met my group of friends from Kentucky. Florida is where I first fell in love. I was also living in Florida the one and only time I ever went to Mardi Gras.
I’m sure I’ll tell you all about it someday.
But the rest of what’s currently shakin’ down in Miami?
What a waste of perfectly good airfare.
I mean, you can kick LaQuisha’s ass at home, if that’s what floats your boat. You don’t need to fly to gorgeous Miami to act like trash.
You fly to Miami to soak up the vibe and the sun, stare at the hot bods strutting by, showing off their tans and their toned asses — I mean abs.
Miami is to dance to fabulous music ALL NIGHT LONG and drink delicious cocktails and laugh and drive fast in $250,000 cars!
Not to pull some rando-chick’s hair in the street.
Sometimes, I just want to smack these 20-year-olds and tell them that they’re seriously effing up the best years of their lives.
It’s as if no one has every taught them how to party!
They can’t even seem to find a good time in Miami, FLORIDA, for the love of God!
Have you noticed, though, in every piece of video footage on the news about the recent street violence in Miami, there’s some 60+year-old dude out there in the street, too, wearing a wife beater and gold chains, flip flops and bowling shorts, just kind of shuffling along and dodging bodies and left hooks?
His body language is like, “Oh, excuse me, young lady…I’m just gonna slide on through here real quick and then you can continue to wail on that lovely blonde woman’s face,” checking out her ass — obviously resisting the urge to pinch her ass — as he averts everyone’s attention.
Starting over after 50 in Miami would be amazing, but do you have to be the old guy right in the thick of it AND ON TV?
It’s not even the same old guy in every video!
There are DOZENS of these old geezers out there, trying to party with the hotties, but looking dazed and confused when the fists start flying and the hair pulling commences.
I’ve been cracking up regularly!
Watching the television, I actually talk to these guys, one at time, when they pop up on the screen, “Dang, Dude! Move! LaQuawanna and her home girls are banging that chick’s head on the hood of that car, and they’ll snatch your ass up next, if you’re not careful!”
These old timers’ wife-beater tees don’t actually say, “Midlife Crisis” on them (how cool would that be if they did?), but they’re wearing the standard uniform.
I think they know it, and they don’t even care.
Hey, either they had to the guts to fly to Miami for Spring Break 2021, or they decided to start over after 50 in Miami and ventured out of their one-bedroom condo when all of the commotion started.
Regardless, each and every one of them had a half-ass grin on their faces, as they quickly shuffled out of harm’s way toward the closest pretty young thang who isn’t in the middle of throwing down.
Good for them.
Evidently, if you’re going through a midlife crisis, Miami’s got you covered.
And if you’re starting over after 50, it looks like Miami’s has you covered, as well.
Let’s all head to Miami, shall we?
And we’ll leave the sniveling 20-year-olds, who wouldn’t know a good time if it smacked them between the eyes, in some other state.
We should start a “How To Party Like A Rock Star” course — cost of drugs & alcohol not included.
(Kidding.)
More tomorrow,
-A