EPIC Dating Failures! (Foot Fetish Guy)

Black & white photo of feet, focus on the toes

Let me say it one more time for the cheap seats in the back: 

Online dating is a STRAIGHT-UP hallucinogenic fishbowl of certifiable crazy. 

Foot Fetish Freak:

I quickly learned, that it was crucial for me to implement some sort of vetting process, while “meeting” people online. 

Like I said, online dating is a virtual hallucinogenic fishbowl of straight-up crazy. 


Mostly fun and entertaining, but sometimes just plain, ole’ disturbing. 

Hey, you’ve got to be willing to accept the bad, with the good. 


My new vetting process was about as simple as it could be. 

I considered texting an edited form of communication.  Most people, reread and perhaps retype their messages before they hit “Send.”   

Holding smart phone

I decided to go with phone calls. 

smart phone

I wanted to get the guy on the phone and hear his tone, how he responded to my awkward attempts at humor, how the conversation flowed…you know, just talk to the man and see if I felt like there even a semblance of a connection.

Yelling into phone

If it didn’t work out – or if he was a complete nutjob – I would just block the number and never chat with the guy again. 

nope GIF by karencivil


I was “matched” with a man who seemed nice.  We texted/emailed a bit on the site and then decided to chat on the phone. 

We had “transplanted oilfield worker” in common. I thought I’d give it a shot.

Oilfield pumping unit

I told him I’d call him from my car, while I drove the 52 miles to work, one Sunday.

driving los angeles GIF by James Curran

At first, the conversation was pretty normal. 

No red flags.

Red flag

But I had learned – through my previous botched phone calls and dates – that the majority of people want to “Get their crazy out right out there for you to see,” and they did it as soon as they possibly could. 

You know, to see if you’re cool with their particular, preferred variety of crazy.

You Crazy GIF by Steve Harvey TV

I’m guessing, that they thought/felt…

”Hey, if I get my preferred crazy out there right away, and the other person isn’t cool with it, then I can cut my losses and not feel like I’ve wasted any time.”

happy kristen stewart GIF

I suppose I get it.

No one wants to feel like they’re wasting their time.

Sand timer

This particular man didn’t waste any time in dipping his toe into the crazy pond to see if I was okay with the ripple effect.


guy's legs above water

While I was attempting to make small talk with him…“Where are you originally from?”“How do you like it in North Dakota?”

The craziness ensued pretty quickly and went something like this…

Him:  “So, do you like feet?”

hands and feet

Me:  “Ummmmm…what’s that now?  I think my car phone is breaking up just little bit.”

Him:  “Do you like feet?”

legs and feet

Me:  “I mean, I like mine.”

Him:  “Do you take care of your feet?”

Me:  “What?”

Jeff Goldblum What GIF by The Late Late Show with James Corden

Him:  “You know, do you get pedicures and keep your pretty little toes, beautiful and sexy?”

painted toes in sand

Me:   (Hesitantly…)”Yeah, I get pedicures.”

Feet gross me out more than anything else.

I gag a little when I pass a car and the woman has her bare feet up on the dash.

disgusted nick miller GIF by New Girl

Him:  (Voice dropping down an octave or two…) ”Oh, that’s sexy.  I love sexy feet.”

Me:  (Attempting to dump ice water on the feet conversation and move onto something else…) “I’m not a fan of feet at all.  I think feet are gross.”

Paris Hilton Reaction GIF

I’d rather eat my left eyeball then touch someone’s — anyone’s — feet. Seriously.

Him:  (Completely unfettered…) Oh, not me.  I love feet.  I love to massage them.  Don’t you love to have your feet massaged?”

couple foot massage

Me:  “Nope.  Not even a little bit.”

Him:  “Oh, I love to massage feet…touch feet…look at feet – “

foot massage love GIF by SoulPancake

Me:  “Okay.  I get it.  You’re into feet.  Is there anything else you’d like to talk about – other than feet?”

Waterboarding would be better than having to touch someone’s feet, or have their feet on me.

war torture GIF by Maudit

Him:  “Well, I want people to know how important feet are to me.  I find them to be extremely erotic.”

hand and feet on rock

Me:  (Gagging a little bit…) ”Mission accomplished. You’ve made your point.  Can we move on to another topic now?”

At this point, I probably threw up a little bit in my mouth.

gillian anderson gagging GIF by The Paley Center for Media

I’ve maybe traveled about 10 of the 52 miles at this point.

Him:  “Just that I love to take a woman’s feet, push them together and then shove my penis in between them, so her feet are stroking my erection.  In fact, I can’t get an erection unless a woman’s feet are touching my – “

season 2 starz GIF by Blunt Talk

My car lurched to the right.

I damn near crashed it!

Driving The Goldbergs GIF by ABC Network

I couldn’t hang up on Mr. Foot Fetish Freak fast enough!

the brady bunch goodbye GIF by TV Land Classic

Turning up the music on one of my satellite radio stations, I tried to shake off what I’d just heard. 

Guess what song was playing?

“Super Freak”!!!

rick james superfreak GIF

More soon,


Restart. Refocus. Reinvent.

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