If you’re over 50 and conscious, you know that the rise of the little helper are a HUGE part of dating, after 50.
Have you wondered how knocking boots fits into dating, after 50?
You’re not the only one.
Some people wonder if The Bone Ranger even still works after 50. I know I did.
And what about after 60? Does The Blue Veined Aristocrat even care any more?
The answer to both of those questions, is: Yes, and yes.
For the record, most disco sticks not only still work, Excaliburs, far and wide, have a gaggle of pharmaceutical BFFs that can make Prince Everhard of the Netherlands bigger and stronger than ever before.
In about 30 minutes, the lap rocket may be ready to give you the ride of your life.
Is this topic too hard to swallow?
(You know you’re smiling to yourself right now.)
Most adults still care — very much — about two-person push ups and intimacy and having and maintaining that connection. It’s an important part of being in a healthy relationship.
Guess what? Healthy relationships develop from meeting, dating, talking and eventually doing the no pants dance.
I know…I was as shocked you are.
By now, we all know how all of the parts and pieces work and where they go.
Or do we?
Dating again, after 50, can be a bit awkward, especially when it comes to the high, hard one. There are a whole plethora of medications and diseases that can and will deflate your closed-door escapades; Blood pressure medications, diabetes, hypertension, etc.
Man (yep, it was definitely a man) invented a pharmaceutical cure for soggy noodle syndrome. After all, we all know how important pleasure pumps are…
The rise of the little helper! Hooray for humanity!
However, there are many men out there who are too embarrassed or in too much denial to talk about it, let alone go to their doctor and ask for a prescription for these little, give-me-30-to-60-minutes-and-the-party-will-start wonders.
Dude, you’re killing me here.
The same human race recognized that most men don’t want to admit their tonsil tickler has or is betraying him — let alone drive to a doctor’s office and talk OUT LOUD to some stranger about it.
Mankind’s solution to this little ego issue was to then make it easier to buy the “helpers” online and raise the one-eyed monster, practically whenever any man wanted to.
The rise of the little helper is here to actually HELP!
All right! Let’s do this! Right?
You would think…
In talking with my married friends and having dated men in the their 50’s myself, I am here to tell you that there are FAR TOO MANY men out there that choose to just not partake anymore and retire their knobgoblins permanently.
Well, that’s hard news to take. Or should I say, “Softly disappointing”?
These days, it’s as easy as getting online and clicking around for a couple of minutes. Then PRESTO!, in a couple of days, your Schooner To Tuna Town is ready to launch. (Sorry. I couldn’t let that classic Burgess Meredith ‘Grumpy Old Men’ quote just go by…)
There are other options, too.
I once dated a man who had an implant down there. Hand to God, this is a true story.
It also made for a very interesting dinner conversation, one evening.
After about two weeks of dating, there he is, sitting across from me at the restaurant, and he decides to tell me that he was diagnosed with diabetes in his early 40’s. In fact, he had been an untreated diabetic for many years, prior to being diagnosed.
“Okay,” I’m thinking to myself, “He’s obviously building up to telling me something, but heck if I know where this is going.”
He’s watching me closely from across the table, weighing my reaction to his news. I had no idea where he was going, so I sat there innocently stone faced.
He then — very quickly — drops the bomb and proceeds to tell me — all at once — how the diabetes meds had turned him into a flopper, which destroyed his marital life. His “cure” to this dilemma was to get an implant.
The implant was, obviously, implanted in Mr. Johnson and was, basically, an elongated balloon that connected to a tube that drained fluid from his stomach, which provided the fluid to “inflate” the implanted balloon, all of which was turned on and off by a valve that was located inside one of his dangly bits.
BOOM! GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!
Let me just tell you, that is a helluva lot to take in, all at once, while trying to eat your crab cakes.
First, let me say that my initial response was, “Good for you. You had a problem. You corrected it.”
And truly I meant it. Good for him! He knew he wanted to keep the home fires burning, and he did something to ensure that his Just-In Beaver was still able to give a full performance.
Once his marriage ended, his Herman von Longschlongenstein still had the capability to perform, while dating. Good for him.
We never got to a place where I could see how his “setup” actually worked, because our conversations (outside of this one I’m telling you about here ) were lacking and boring, and I knew we weren’t building a true connection.
The point is, the man wanted to participate in extracurricular activities, so he made sure he could.
I briefly dated another man who took high blood pressure medication, and it caused him to put his peter out to pasture.
He told me about it, one day while we were fishing on the riverbank for catfish.
Side note: If you’ve never gone fishing, GO! It is really is a good time.
Anyway, after this man told me about his inability to raise his sailboat’s sail up the mast, I decided to be equally direct and asked if he used or had ever tried these helpers.
His response made me immediately place him the fishing instructor ONLY category: “Nah, I’m not going to take those pills. I just do everything else to make sure my partner shoots to the moon. That’s all of the satisfaction I need.”
Before you think I was too critical or harsh, hear me out.
Although I completely understand his mindset, that doesn’t work for most chickie-poos.
Here’s the thing: If you’re with a woman who wants to equally satisfy her partner, then she feels like she’s failing, because she’s doing all of the taking and not giving her partner’s trouser trout the same delight she just enjoyed.
Is the rise of the little helpers starting to make sense?
After all, there’s a solid reason they’re called “partners.” It’s a give-and-take situation.
Having an open and honest dialogue — prior to threading the needle — is not only healthy, it’s needed.
Just make sure it’s not in the first five minutes of first meeting someone.
Similarly, there’s no reason why healthy couples can’t partake in a little bedroom “enhancement,” from time to time either. Sometimes, the Master Of Ceremonies wants a marathon session, and there’s nothing wrong with enlisting a little help with that.
The RISE of the little helper can also help spice it up!
Every helper pill commercial on TV tells you to first ensure you’re healthy enough to partake in the mattress Olympics.
If you just had a heart attack, I’m guessing you’re not healthy enough to bump ugly parts together. Just a guess.
I’m not a doctor, which is why you should be talking to one, if you’re considering taking medication to reintroduce The Dicktator, or seeking any other alternative sources to correct a deflated sail.
The “I” word is not a dirty word!
In conclusion, life is HARD.
(See what I did there?)
Sometimes, the stress of life gets to us, and that can affect our favorite play buddy.
Is it the end of the world?
Not even close.
However, if it’s something that concerns you, or RumpleForeSkin isn’t showing up to the party more and more often, then you — the owner of the Purple Helmeted Warrior Of Love — need to go and get it checked out.
It could be something as simple as adjusting the medications you’re on, or just picking up a prescription and damn-near immediately reviving Moby Dick.
What about if you’re the permanent garage to the temporarily broken-down Ferrari?
Talk about it.
Be open and honest.
The rise of the little helper came along because they’re needed, plain and simple.
The quality of your life — every aspect of it — is important.
By all means, when King Dong rejoins the party, show Action Jackson your appreciation for his reappearance, in a passionate and vigorous fashion.